Slipping Upward
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Happy Monday and belated Happy Thanksgiving! Leading up to the holiday I felt pretty much at my limit. As daylight has decreased, my workload has increased, making each day feel long and wearying. Sometimes progress with my running and music projects feels like a slippery slope. Like it’s a mountainside composed of scree where every step forward results in a little slip backward. Sometimes it baffles me that so many hours could go into composing just a few measures of music. Or that I could put in days, weeks, and months of consistent running, but still feel like I’m not getting anywhere. When measurable progress doesn’t reveal itself, it’s hard to imagine that all the time and effort is worth it. Or maybe I’ll get a glimmer of brilliance but then go right back to feeling stumped the next day.
On the music front, I did get to see a collective effort pay off. An ensemble of six musicians performed a piece I composed called “August” at the Longy New Music Concert. The song was written for flute doubling alto flute, bassoon, voice, piano, two violins, and cello. As a music artist, I’ve gotten used to performing my own music over the years. But as a composer, I’ve taken on this new role of writing and communicating my ideas for other musicians to bring to life. There’s a certain amount of “letting go” that needs to happen in this process. I helped to organize rehearsals and provide some input, but then ultimately got to kick back and enjoy being in the audience for the performance. It was a surreal experience and one I felt very proud of, and grateful for the musicians that played. Thanks to those that tuned in for the performance, and if you missed it you can check it out on my YouTube channel.
On the running front, I continue to feel surprised at my progress after some extended time of not feeling great. Post-Colorado, I really didn’t feel like myself. It wasn’t purely physical, but I think I felt mentally and emotionally drained, and maybe a bit frustrated with myself that things didn’t go as planned with the FKT attempt. And the reality hitting that I can’t just get by on minimal training and still get what I want, that I do have to work hard and put the time in, just like anyone else. I struggle to find the balance between getting the most out of my education and building my career, and running the way that I’d like. On that front I feel I’ve been rebelling a little more. Running even when I feel crummy, running even though it’s dark and cold, running even if all I can manage is a shuffle, even if it doesn’t compare to how I was running four years ago, refusing to let winter win, refusing to let general everyday life and tiredness win. I don’t know where it’s coming from, because a few months ago I nearly felt ready to move on from big running goals entirely. I thought, surely there are richer things in life than being a running and eating machine. But especially as the days get darker and the trees become barren, I feel wistful for time outdoors and feelings of freedom that brings. It’s always been about more than the miles. I can’t help but curious about seeking beyond; whether that means my own limits, or what else is “out there”.
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