Overcoming the Dread
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If I could have one super power, it would be to be able to suspend time (like on this lovely walk with my mom over Thanksgiving break, pictured above). In a way I chose the perfect career/life path as a musician because creating music is all about playing around with time, whether it’s suspending it or moving forward or decorating it or what have you. But still… I want more!
“We are what we do everyday.” On a perfect day, I get a good run in, spend a few hours practicing piano and creating, have productive classes and rehearsals, and cap it off with a home-cooked meal and quality time with loved ones. Do each of those things always happen every day? I wish! Does some semblance of these things happen every day? If I can help it! The striving to find a balance that works is a constant.
I noticed a pattern over the last few weeks, as projects culminate and finals loom and the holidays draw near. I’ve been taking shortcuts in an effort to save time and make my life “easier”; these choices are almost always informed by dread and anxiety. Eating vending machine meals, driving to school rather than run-commuting, getting less sleep. But the more I do these things, I’ve noticed the worse I feel, even if it feels necessary sometimes as a means to an end. To get the thing done.
Taking time to do things “right” (in whatever way that means for me) sometimes feels like a luxury in itself. It might mean that I don’t get to check all the boxes for the day, but it can at least mean doing well with the things I do get to. Or it might mean that if I want to do all the things, I have to sometimes accept “good” over “great”. It also means prioritizing my wellbeing.
This weekend I almost skipped out on a fun holiday tradition because “there’s no time"!” But then I felt so disappointed about the thought of not doing it that I changed my mind and we made it happen. I’m so glad I didn’t let the dread win. And then just the little things. Making soup and having a cozy day on a rainy Sunday, and telling myself it’s not the end of the world and my running career is not over if I run seven miles instead of fourteen. On Monday, convincing myself that I could, in fact, run to school and still have time to take care of piano practice before class, even though my anxious urge was to drive in and pay to park because “there’s no time”.
One of my favorite easy soups to make: sweet potato, sausage, and kale (here’s the recipe)
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It’s sort of like in a race where you think of all the worst things that could possibly happen, then convince yourself to quit because you don’t want to put yourself through any of that. Even though none of those terrible things are guaranteed to happen, and in the moment, you’re okay.
I read a recent quote about consistency, gosh I wish I remember where I read it, but it gave me a lot of reassurance. It was something along the lines of, “Greatness comes from being consistently okay.” I’m probably completely butchering the quote, which is probably fitting. But the gist of it is true, and I know this from experience. You don’t become a great anything by being great all the time, but by making a consistent practice of whatever it is you’re doing and accepting imperfection along the way.
One thing at a time. One step at a time. Stay in the moment. It will be okay!
💫
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