What Happens When We Allow Things to Unfold
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It’s hard to believe 2023 is coming to an end, but here we are! I’ve been spending the remaining days of the year with the people I love. You can’t ask for much more than that.
One of my goals going into this year was to fail more. As in, try hard or nerve-racking things and make myself vulnerable, even if success or happiness wasn’t guaranteed. I can confidently say I reached that goal. To risk failure probably means you’re doing something pretty tough. It also means you might be opening yourself up to something pretty special and worthwhile, regardless of the end result.
Some of my lowest moments of the year were fueled by loneliness, painful memories, anxiety, and self-doubt. My highest moments of the year were fueled by connection, vulnerability, trust, and self-belief.
As someone that generally knows exactly they want, I run into trouble when an outcome isn’t certain. I like to know what to expect. I like to have a plan. I don’t do very well with unknowns. This might lead to absolutes, making an abrupt decision, or assuming the worst before waiting to see what happens. There are times this quick decision making comes in handy, like when it comes to a gut feeling, but there are certainly times I can look back on that I wish I had given myself more of a chance.
For the last week or so I’ve been compiling and sharing video footage from my record-setting Swiss Via Alpina hike on my new YouTube channel. Please check it out if you haven’t yet–I’ve had so much fun making these videos! Looking back and listening to myself, I spent a lot of the hike worrying about what was ahead, and made decisions accordingly. In the end, everything went swimmingly. That might be due to good decision making, but it also left me feeling a little bummed that I didn’t get more out of myself. There were some days that I felt very proud of myself, that I wouldn’t change anything about. But there were other days I stopped with plenty of daylight hours remaining, only to find the next day the sections I had worried about weren’t as bad as anticipated. Of course, hindsight is everything, and it was a trail I’d never hiked before, so I can’t fault myself too much. I should be happy that everything just sort of worked out without any pain and suffering. But I also feel some regret for holding back more than I needed to.
Likewise, in life in general, I spend a lot of energy worrying about stuff. Events, due dates, hurting feelings, saying the wrong thing. That can be effective to a point, but it’s also exhausting. Ultimately, I think I can make the best decisions when I trust that I am a good at what I do, and a good person to the extent that I know how to be. No need to undersell myself or be apologetic about it.
So what does that mean for 2024? Of course the things I mentioned above are a work in progress. I am a work in progress! And honestly that is a really good reminder when I think of my upcoming events, goals, and striving toward being my best self.
My next big big event is my culminating recital for my collaborative piano degree. It’s taking place on Sunday, March 3rd at 3pm at Longy School of Music (in person and livestream - save the date!). I’ve been spending a lot of energy worrying about learning all my music, and I really need to cut it out. The recital is going to be great! I’m showcasing a bunch of women composers and performing with many of my amazing colleagues. This recital isn’t the end-all of who I am as a musician; it’s a celebration of one very special and specific chapter.
Beyond that, I’ve been dreaming up some wild plans for my next big hike. I had a potential plan for this coming summer, but it fell through, so I’ve been feeling stumped on what to do next and for a while had trouble feeling excited about anything else. It’s so important to feel some kind of connection or excitement about the things you set out to do, because otherwise… what’s the point?
Well, I just felt that magical spark for a trail I’ve never heard of but recently stumbled upon while researching long distance trails around the world. I’ll be mysterious about it for now since at this point it’s only an idea that I had a few hours ago. But every great adventure begins as an idea, right?
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Thanks for reading. If you can believe it, it’s now been three years since I started “Mercury on the Run”! If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, please consider buying me a coffee or joining Mercury on the Run as a supporting member for $5/month. Supporting members receive a 4-pack of unique stickers and a handwritten thanks from me, along with perks like exclusive stories and special mementos from my adventures.
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