Change It Up!
"...you'll see it's too easy to exist and too hard to live."
This quote was from Todd Maddox, a 67-year-old widower and restaurant owner featured on one of the new episodes of Queer Eye. His wife, Jodie, had passed away ten years ago. Since then, he'd struggled to move forward and had left the restaurant's decor untouched in her memory. He stopped cutting his hair and let it grow out over all that time. He stopped doing activities that he enjoyed, like fishing, and devoted all of his time to keeping the restaurant going, as that was Jodie's dream for their family. He said ten years might seem like a long time, but to him it still felt like it was yesterday.
While I can't relate directly to what Todd has been through, what he said about existing versus living spoke to me. I like the safe little box of routine and predictability in my daily life. It brings order and comfort, especially when the outside world seems like a giant chaotic mess. When I'm home in Oregon, I pretty much eat the same things every day, run the same go-to routes that have the desired terrain and elevation to meet my daily goals, and I rotate between maybe three outfits beyond my running clothes on a seasonal basis. It's like a guaranteed win because I know what I like, plus it's efficient as I don't need to spend time thinking about it.
The other day, a friend from out of town asked if I'd pick up a specialty item for her from Pix Patisserie on the east side of Portland. I had an unexpected afternoon free, so I said, "sure!" and made the trip right then and there. While I was in the area, I decided to run a few more errands that took me all over the east side, many areas for the first time in a looong time. I was surprised by how many memories were stirred up from my early years in Portland, as I'd lived in Sullivan's Gulch for three years. I remembered how exciting it was to explore a new city with my ex-husband and college friends, plus I made a new friends working at the local running store. We did all kinds of silly and fun things like glow-in-the-dark mini golf, Tiki bar birthdays, songwriting gatherings, house concerts, spontaneous Chipotle picnics while watching the sunset light up the mountains beyond the cityscape. For the first time we were bonafide adults outside of the clutches of the parameters set by our schools and upbringings and could do whatever we wanted.
Sometime between then and now, the sheen of the newness wore off. Friends became young professionals and perhaps some of the realities of adulthood eventually sank in. When it comes down to a choice of whether to be more social or well rested, there has been a noticeable trend toward the latter over the last ten years. I haven't lived a very conventional life in terms of my career. 2013-2017 or so was spent touring with a band. I got to see and experience a lot of different parts of the world that way. Maybe the constant coming and going contributed to my tendency to hunker down when I'm home. Maybe if you replace "music tours" with "trail adventures", it's more of the same now. You have the high-octane experiences in the wild counterbalancing the granny lifestyle at home.
I'm at a crossroads and on the precipice of a new chapter in my life, not so different from where I found myself 13 years ago. I love my routine and creature comforts, but life is finite. I don't want ten years to pass by unnoticed. I think it's important to consider how we spend our time and who and what we're spending it with. If I'm always doing the same thing, then what am I missing out on? If I'm not doing anything to stimulate my brain, how could I ever hope to be creative?
In sort of a snap reaction to these thoughts, I decided that I must explore all viable options and try evverryythinngg!!! I went from having a pretty low-key winter to every day suddenly being jam-packed with jobs, tasks, interviews, auditions, and to-dos, all with the purpose of trying to figure out, "What's next?" I keep using the metaphor that I feel like I'm swirling around without any sort of axis, as I do not yet have the answers.
The photos throughout this post were taken from a recent run at Cooper Mountain Nature Park, located near the school where I coach cross country and track. After leading the kids through a winter workout at the school, I had a choice of either running where I always run, which would have meant a long commute back to Portland and running in the dark, OR breaking my routine and "sacrificing" getting practice on the slightly more technical trails of Forest Park for the well-groomed trails of Cooper Mountain while getting to run mostly in daylight. That time, for once, the decision to change things up was a no-brainer.
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Thanks for reading. If this resonated with you in some way, please consider buying me a coffee. Your support is what keeps this newsletter going, for which I'm so grateful! Another great way to support is by sharing this with a friend or family member that might like it too. This was originally published via my newsletter on January 17th. Subscribe here to receive these letters as soon as they're published on the weekly (it's free). Until next week! ~Mercury
