Taming the Mind
Photo by Brendan P. Davis
The next two months feel like a series of upcoming waves. Peaks and valleys. Ebbs and flows. Time never stops, so all I can do is utilize the time I do have to the best of my ability.
As I reflect on these three years in my music grad program at Longy, I’m realizing how much I’ve learned about working and performing under pressure. The pressure is mostly self-imposed, and usually involves racing the clock to be prepared for a performance or to finish a composition. I want everything I do to be excellent. But then I start to get in my head that everything I do has to be all-or-nothing, with anything less than 100% being a failure, and I have to keep reminding myself that it’s simply not true. In these last few years I’ve stretched myself more than I ever have, in the pursuit of “mastering” piano performance and composition. I’ve been putting so much stock into what happens in these last two months with my final projects as a grad student. But when I zoom out and look at the big picture, the diplomas that I’ll receive in May don’t represent an arrival point; really, they’re a symbol of all of the experiences and tools I’ve gained during my time as a student. In a way, it takes the pressure off. My output is a representation of my journey to this point; it doesn’t cement who I am as a musician for time eternal. So, I’m really trying to not stress too much, though that’s easier said that done!
Last week was my spring break, and I used that time to pay a visit to Mountain Hardwear HQ out in Richmond, California. I got to meet the people who are behind the scenes of making the incredible gear and apparel that I’ll be taking with me on my thru-hike of the Pacific Crest Trail this summer. I feel really blown away by how supportive they have been, and how attentive and caring they are to even the smallest details when it came to some wishes I had for my equipment. Then, after my visit, I spent three days in the Marin Headlands running, hiking, and camping with the gear I plan to use on the PCT.
Stepping away from music practice and writing for several days felt a bit daunting, with a bunch of performances and due dates coming up. It was hard to totally detach myself from those things while I was out there. They followed me around the Marin Headlands like little ghosts. But really, this was my only chance to spend multiple days in a row preparing for the PCT this way until much closer to the time I start. And this is not something I can wait until the last minute to prepare for.
What I expected to get from my little “training camp” was spending a lot of time on my feet and testing out my gear. In addition to that, though, I got a more realistic idea of some of the psychological challenges I might run into on the PCT, as I experienced them in this test run. And if there’s anything I feel certain about, it’s that my mindset and psychological state that will determine how my thru-hike goes, far more than my athleticism and physical state when I’m out there. I know this to be true, because I’ve given up early on endeavors that I was perfectly physically fit for, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve refused to give up on endeavors despite limited physical capacity due to injury or sickness that would have been perfectly acceptable reasons to stop.
I think some of these challenges will include:
Surface-level discomfort. Things like, setting up and tearing down camp in the cold or rain. Being dirty. Back sweat. Bugs. Sleeping on the ground.
Longing for connection and missing home.
The urge to pull out my phone for an unnecessary reason.
Anxiety affecting my decision-making.
I believe the more you subject yourself to and practice discomfort, the greater you increase your capacity to handle it. I practiced that in a small way this past week on my camping trip, and I’ve been practicing it in in small doses in my daily run training. I have my past experiences to lean on, including trusting myself through some deep anxiety.
I vividly remember the last 24 hours of my thru-hike of the Long Trail. Even though it was a mathematical certainty (barring something catastrophic/unexpected happening), the women’s self-supported record would be mine. It was my third attempt at an FKT on that trail. Going into it I wondered if something was wrong with me, or if I was delusional for trying again and simply setting myself up for another failure; maybe the record just wasn’t for me. I cried a lot the last day on the trail because I was certain something would go wrong. Nothing went wrong. Actually, a few things went wrong. I ran out of water. I had to stop and mend a blister on my heel. I tripped and fell. I cared so deeply about finishing and setting the record that it was nearly paralyzing. Literally all I had to do was walk–and I did–and I made it and set the record.
The PCT is 2,651+ miles long. That’s a lot of time on my feet, and a lot of time in my head. It’s a lot of time, period–and a whole lot of trail to play with. That feels really exciting to me, in spite of the inevitable challenges I will face.
I’d love to wrap this up nicely, but if I take the time to do that, I will be late for school and will never send this newsletter out.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for being understanding that my letters have been a bit sporadic in this busy season. I’m so appreciative to each of you for reading and continuing to follow my journey.
Just a few quick reminders:
My orchestral composition debut, Wildwood, premiers THIS Saturday, March 29th, 8pm at Arts at the Armory in Somerville, MA (free tickets here).
I’m putting on a very special concert MOMENTUM on Boston Marathon Weekend, Saturday, April 19th at 3pm with GAIA Quartet, an all-women’s string quartet. We’re performing some incredible music for piano and strings (Dvorak’s Quintet No. 2) along with original music by me and Taiwanese-Canadian composer Patrick Wu. This concert has been a long time in the making, and I very much hope you can come! You can buy tickets here.
Save the date for my graduating composition recital, a full concert of original music, taking place Wednesday, May 14th at 11am in Pickman Hall at Longy School of Music, Cambridge, MA. There will also be a livestream!
You can see all of my upcoming concerts on my event page!
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