I’m In It
Last weekend I did the most quintessential fall activity, which is to say I joined the mass of leaf peepers flocking to New England to see the vibrant fall foliage in all its glory.
Getting away during a busy time is a double-edged sword. It’s great in theory to step away from everything, but it was also accompanied with intermittent bouts of anxiety. I have so much on my plate, with very little time to fit in personal practice time, homework time, and creative time, since most everyday involves flitting from one place to the next, be it a class, rehearsal, or side hustle. Throughout the weekend, my mind kept wandering back to, “How will I possibly be able to manage everything?”
The thing is, almost always the anxiety about the thing is more energy-consuming than the thing itself. It’s a beast in my head that’s difficult to quiet. Speaking of double-edged swords, in a way, my one-track mind is the very thing that allows for focus for hours on end and see a project come to fruition. It’s hard not to compare the daily dedication to my education, compositions, and performances to my devotion to a trail in the midst of an FKT attempt. But also, living everyday like I’m in the midst of an FKT is not a sustainable way to exist in the long term.
So that’s when I step back and remind myself that this is all temporary. I love everything I’m involved in. I feel like a sponge absorbing as much as I possibly can while I’m in this academic environment. I feel incredibly lucky to be among such high-caliber musicians (and just all-around awesome people) on the regular. While I’ll always be part of this community as future alum, it’s a unique thing to be in this environment living and breathing music with others that are equally, or more, dedicated to their craft.
To further compare this current (and not forever) life phase to a trail FKT. In order to be successful, you have to adapt, mind and body. I remember on the Appalachian Trail, feeling like I was forging my legs from iron into steel. At first they revolted at the sudden extremity of the task at hand, but over time they adapted to do what was needed. I’ve had to make a lot of adjustments to my lifestyle lately to make everything work, and really utilize every nook and cranny of the day. And I don’t mean for the sake of constantly doing, but in finding a balance with that and everything else. Taking care of my physical and mental health. Giving myself hard cutoffs so I’m getting enough sleep and making sure I’m eating lunch. Spending time with my loved ones, taking care of my house and cats, and appreciating all the pretty leaves before they fly away.
This week, since returning from my trip, I’ve had several breakthroughs in progress, and revelations in how I’m approaching my projects. I think the time away allowed my brain to de-frazzle for a second. I think anxiety has a way of invoking a fear response, which isn’t going to help anything. If I approach a really difficult passage with fear, there’s no way I’m going to be able to perform it without fumbling, because I’m always going to think of it as “the scary part”. I don’t think that’s what the composer had in mind for the musician when they wrote the piece. What were they trying to convey? What is the feeling? What’s important to bring out?
Since returning from my little excursion and looking ahead to everything coming up, I feel more invigorated than overwhelmed which is a great feeling, and the opposite of how I felt before the trip. It’s going to continue to be a lot, but there is also a purpose for this particular chapter, and so much to be gained from it. In other words, just as every trail, even the super duper long ones, have a beginning and end; I feel accepting of my very full life as it is in this moment, and want to appreciate it before I complete this chapter and move onto the next one. I am fully succumbing to this process and period of growth. I’m in it.
Speaking of someone dedicated to their craft, all photos in this week’s newsletter are by C.W. Tanner. :)
I’m wearing the Microchill Snap Neck Pullover, Lone Pine Beanie, and Field Day Hip Pack by Mountain Hardwear. I wore the fleece and beanie basically the entire weekend, whether hiking or lounging. Feel free to use the code MHWPARTNER2024 for 20% off your next order.
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‘Til next week! ~Mercury